The Abyss of A-holeness

So I haven't posted in quite a long time and I probably wouldn't even be posting now if I wasn't a competitive person being shown up by all my blogging friends. A-holes.

But on the real tip, I'm not sure what the heck is going on with me lately. Perhaps I need medication. I've found myself wanting to cook and bake until I have way more food than I can possibly eat, I've gone through moments and hours and days where I insanely miss my friends (to the point of almost borrowing friend's credit cards to pay for plane tickets home), I've gone through moments where I feel happier here than I've ever been, I've thought about staying forever, I've thought about leaving tomorrow, sometimes I want to go home at Christmas, sometimes I have absolutely no desire to do so, sometimes I cry for no reason, and sometimes I laugh hysterically at, well, pretty much nothing. Apparently I'm just a big loser.

So today I pretty much spent the whole day worried about insignificant stuff I have to do for school and complaining about pretty much everything (I know, something new and different for me) while there's way more important things going on. And no, I'm not (as you may think) referring to all the madness wrought upon the world by capitalism (although, for the record, I'm not happy about being a JP Morgan Chase and not a Wamu customer), but to all the worries and problems that other people are dealing with. While I'm busy perfecting the art of complaining, I've done nothing to help or be there for my friends who really need me. And "friends" is plural for a reason. Basically, I'm an ass.

But alas, life works in mysterious ways, and as I was busy procrastinating (something I do almost as well as complaining), I came across two things that helped me put everything into perspective. First, I read a message my cousin Mitch had posted on Myspace: The Sunscreen Song. You may think that I'm lame and cheesey, and that Honduran water has officially killed any brain cells I may have had upon arriving here, but the Sunscreen Song dude makes some valid points. And then I read a prayer that Fella had forwarded to, like, a zillion people because that's what Fella does. And I read it, which is not usually what I do. But it was good. And it made sense, especially today. So thank you Fella and Mitch. You're my heroes (well, for right now, anyway).

So as I finish this post and go off to bed so I can get up early and do all the work I did not do tonight (translation: go to bed and sleep in until the last possible minute), I'd like to apologize to anyone reading this whose needs have been sucked into the abyss of my a-holeness. I do love you guys, and I do think about you guys more than you know. And I miss you and think about you a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. As Ty said yesterday, "This is the most girly you've ever been." (And then he said a bunch of dumb shit that I won't repeat here, but if you feel like you need a little Ty, check out http://www.seoulsuckingjerk.com/.) Whatever it is, I'm a weirdo. And while I can't promise that I'll be less of a weirdo tomorrow (we don't want to get carried away), I'll try to be a little less self-centered and a little more appreciative of all the wonderful people I have in my life. And you are wonderful.

Love and miss you guys!

Julie